Start of a New Chapter

It's here: life as a college student has come to an end. Today I received all my final grades, signaling the finish of my undergraduate years on a positively strong note. Looking back through my semester in my planner, it was a tough one. Not so much academically, but emotionally... yeah. let's just leave it at that. Glad the semester was over. It didn't seem that bad while I was going through it... but now that I'm looking at all the times I met up with people, recalling all those conversations, and replaying some of the crazier days... I really don't know how I'm here alive today. Maybe it's my gift... or rather, non-gift (I don't know if it's a good thing or bad), of being able to tune everything out and just keep on going. I honestly forgot all of that until I flipped back through my planner... which came formatted in 30 minute increments between 8am and midnight every day, so I literally write every little thing I do every day in there, from chores to meetings.

Despite the late nights and the mornings I dreaded going to certain classes, I'm kind of sad that a fun time of intensive learning is ending (until grad school, that is-- but grad school will be a different experience). On the other hand, I'm really excited for what's coming up next semester and have been looking forward to it since September came around. It's a huge blessing that it transitioned so smoothly and allowed me to stick around Ann Arbor. Perfectly, a gymnastics job opened up in early December before I even had time to think about what I was going to do next semester. I am very excited for it as it will give me the opportunity to do two things that I love-- gymnastics and teaching/working with children-- and get paid for it. Looking back, it could have been a stressful process, even finding a job I didn't like as much, and may have even required that I leave Ann Arbor earlier than I wished.

A decent amount of my time will also be spent practicing piano and at rehearsals with the orchestra. I'll be closing out my undergraduate years performing Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 5 "Emperor" 1st mvt. with the symphony orchestra at the Hill Auditorium on April 25, 2010. The piece has a lot of meaning to me ever since my childhood days, so it will be a very special and memorable concert to me. (If you're reading this, you are invited; please come if you can!)

Additionally, I'm really looking forward to hanging out with my close friends, getting to know people better, spending more time in Troy with my family, and also having a lot of alone time to do the things I've always wanted to do. With the long list of things I want to accomplish before I leave Ann Arbor (date undetermined), I'm anticipating it to be a very relaxing, fun, and blessed semester!

[ First thing on my list that I've begun: Co-author a book with Sisi ]

I am thankful for...

God's Timing: He's so sovereign. Every part of my life falls perfectly according to His plan, and He makes no mistakes. Even at times in the midst of uncertainty when it's really hard to believe that He's got it under control, He sternly teaches me to be patient, trust, and obey. When I can let go of my own selfish desires and follow Him whole-heartedly, He immediately provides comfort and peace, and I know that everything will be okay... it's the beauty of our God.

I've learned so much about it as I near the end of my college career, and in preparation of early graduation. Again and again, I abused my duty to wait for Him to perfectly unfold the story he has already carefully written, and in my impatience try to take control of my life, pursuing my dreams as I imagine it. Like an unrelenting parent wanting to see their children succeed, He gives enough for me to get a glimpse of the greater plan, but does not spoil and takes away in time for me to realize that I need to depend on him. But unlike the parent, He has the power to stop my selfish and impatient desires to see the future, make me powerless, and remind me to yield everything to Him.

But all I can know for certain right now is that God has provided me with the past experiences, blessed me with so many passions and interests, and implanted in me my dreams and visions, all for a greater, specific reason. Though it's hard to discern what they will all lead to right now, and I many not be able to logically choose a direction to head in post-grad, I know that I can trust in Him. He will provide the perfect opportunities that will allow me to build his kingdom the way he has gifted me to. Regardless of where I'll be next year, next semester, or even tomorrow, I live each moment with no regrets, completely assured that He knows what is best, and trusting that my Father is perfect and makes no mistakes.

A Missional Heart

What does it really mean to have a missional heart and foster purposeful and intentional relationships? For most people, the first picture to mind may be missionaries who live out high callings and are sent out to distant nations, reaching the obscure tribes. It's a devotion of a lifetime, usually focused to reach the physically, financially, resourcefully lacking areas where the greatest amount of need is most demonstrated. Maybe, for some, it's taking every opportunity to reach out to our friends, seizing the moments to witness to others, and living out a purpose of reaching the unreached. This is what I came to understand it to be too. What more could it be, what more could it mean?

In Latin, missio means "sent", and likewise, the "missional church" relates to those "sent by God". In a sense, we were all sent. He had a purpose for us when he wrote our life story. So then what is our purpose? The world we live in today has become such a secular world, one we unknowingly let fill with sin and darkness, that stemmed from the very first sin of Adam. We know this, yet we make excuses for our own sins, our own ignorance, our own personal issues. Why is it so hard for some of us to live consistently between our "church" lives and "secular" lives? Why do we categorize it as two? We only have one purpose, so why two lives? As Christians, we each have our own daily spiritual challenges to face, but often because of our sinful nature, our pride hinders our ability to live with unwavering faith, leading to these two lives we struggle to compromise. Striving towards consistency in our daily lifestyle, actions, and words is so important, as it reveals the foundations upon which our faith was built.

As a fellow sister shared: It's like in a chick flick where the boy is madly in love with the girl, and the boy's best friend asks him why he likes her. It's difficult for the guy in love to express his feelings, but yet his friend trusts and believes there must be something so much greater in that girl that he can't quite fathom. It's so true! We are so in love with our Father, sometimes we lack the adequate words to express our praises for him. His love for us is just filled with so much compassion, grace, redemption. But yet, when others questions our love for Him, we shouldn't become weakend and respond with uncertain "I don't know" answers. Stephen in Acts 6 exemplified the perfect model for this. Even when opposition arose, his faith remained unshaken. "They could not stand up against his wisdom or the Spirit by whom he spoke" (v.10).

If we remain confident and faithful in our God that He will fill us with the Holy Spirit when we witness to our doubting friends, I believe our witnesses would have so much more conviction and power. The lack of doubt would allow us to overcome the boundaries, and in itself, be a testimony to how great our merciful Father is and the worth of living and dying for him.

Similarly, the Gospel message is so powerful, that without God's sovereignty, it would not have been carried out to all the nations. Instead of taking it upon himself to spread the Gospel to the nations or even the angels, he entrusted this responsibility to his eleven disciples who doubted him (Mt 28:17), and sinful believers like you and I. As they went and spread the good news, the eleven rapidly grew, "making disciples of all nations." The privilege of the Great Commission was given to the entire Church! As He commanded us to go forth to reach every tribe, tongue, people, and nation, making disciples, we must allow the Holy Spirit to create and build upon faith as we share the Gospel.

We must start our journey towards a Missional Heart at the foot of the cross, where we can come, lay all our burdens down for him, and give every portion of our hearts to God. This is were our motivation and compassionate hearts begin. To be missional, we need to change our hearts. Jesus's purpose to be missional is revealed in Mt 9:36: When Jesus saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like a sheep without a shepherd. Along with his command, he attached a great promise: "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age" (Mt 28:20). He knows it's not always going to be an easy journey, that at times we'll experience frustration, embarassment, and rejection. But our Lord is unfailing, unlike our world when it conflicts with the God we know, and that is the joy and grandeur of the knowing and sharing the Gospel Message.

My personal convictions from this week's Bible study: Are you willing to die to God? Can you let go of everything and walk with Him in faith? Are you willing to give up everything you've been working towards all your life -- academically, professionally, socially, family and relationships, to obey and live for God? What is it going to take to be able to fully surrender all these things to him, and why is it so hard to let go of everything I've done and been working towards all my life? God has a plan for us. We need to trust in it and let go of our own insecurities searching for stability and comfort, to be able to follow Him whole-heartedly. This is where missions begins. This is how you can believe in the Gospel, and spread it with unwavering faith. Lay down the big dreams you've had all your life, even the big things you've dreamt of doing for Him. Surrender it all, ask what he's calling you to today and now, and so much more of His kingdom will be revealed to you.

500 Days of Summer...

Okay, fine. Since the movie came out this summer, I've seen it 3 times in movie theatres, because I really liked pondering its non-traditional storyline. I know not many of you will agree with what I'm about to write, but just food for thought. Apparently I'm one of the few people who can feel for Summer in this movie, and I can relate to her enough to speak up for her. I know it's not how the movie's producers may have intended to characterize her, but this is how view her character, and this is the conclusion I have finally made after seeing it multiple times.

For those who have not seen the movie yet: it's a melancholy-type of film. It's not your classic chick flick, but it's so real. This stuff actually happens, it's not your perfect fairy-tale chickflick where everyone ends up happily together. It's a boy-meets-girl, but girl doesn't end up choosing him story. Tom, a sort-of shy, awkward Jersey boy, falls for a new girl he meets at work: Summer, a sweet girl from Michigan, just living life in the moment. Problem: "she doesn't believe in love", and she makes it clear to him even before things start happening. Yet, he is so smitten over her that he doesn't really take this to mind much.

It seems that most people I've discussed this film with don't like Summer. They think it's cruel of her to lead him on, and just suddenly drop him. Truth, if she wasn't in it for a serious relationship, then she should have been more careful and sensitive with his feelings, and probably not done some of the things she did. Yet, I believe she had solid reasons for moving on. (Just because I identify more with Summer though, doesn't mean that I don't feel bad for Tom, or that I'm cold-hearted like her. Oh, and, btw, she didn't lead him on-- she told him from the very beginning that she didn't want anything serious!) Okay, well, just hear me out on this, and see it from this perspective.

Maybe she didn't believe in love. Fine. She wasn't looking to date. Fine. She clearly still developed a special interest in Tom after meeting him though. Just observe their interactions in Ikea. Remember the stories and things she told him that "she didn't tell just anybody"? Real girls wouldn't act that way around a guy they consider as "strictly a friend". Of course you have the group of girls that we label as flirts who might do that wrecklessly: but Summer wasn't a "flirt". She's a down-to-earth, kind-of-plain, naive girl just minding her own business and enjoying her own life of freedom.

Yet, Tom was able to slip past her barriers that she had put up all her life as a result of being afraid to love (probably a result of the pain she had experienced in the past as a result of being vulnerable), and get to her deeper self that she keeps very private. She subconsciously fell in love with him as much as she consciously wasn't going to let herself-- proven when she tried to define their relationship with Tom by asking him at the end of the karaoke night. Yet he was too scared to tell her the truth: that he liked her more than a friend.

This is the problem! This is why I didn't feel as bad for Tom: she clearly was starting to fall for him, but he didn't make it clear enough that he liked her. But from her position, she was scared to love someone else again, for fear that things wouldn't work out, leaving her hurt and back in square one. In her position, she needed someone that was just straight-forward with her, which Tom was not. Someone she could just trust her feelings with. So if he liked her so much, why couldn't he just get over his own pride, and take a chance by telling her?

As a result, she decided that she couldn't take this chance to be hurt again by continuing her "pseudo-relationship" with him. She's fragile, and taking a chance with someone who couldn't just be vulnerable with her by telling her he liked her was not an option for her. So, before getting in too deep with him, before she opened up too much to him and risked the chance of being hurt by him, she closed off their relationship by distancing her from him, and left him before he had the opportunity to leave her.

Did you really think she didn't believe in love? Everyone wants to be loved. She was just in denial. What would it look like if we could all be vulnerable, get over our own pride, and be honest with one another with our feelings? (S)he likes you, fantastic, life is good. (S)he doesn't, okay, fine. Get over it. At least you don't waste extensive periods of time agonizing over the childhood "(s)he likes me, (s)he likes me not..." Of course that would be the easy and mature way to deal with it. Unfortunately, it's a lose-lose situation and won't ever be that easy... circling back to the cause of it all: fear of rejection. Everyone wants to be loved, and unfortunately, we let our own pride screw things up of what might have, could have, and would have been otherwise.........

Side note: This movie also shows the importance of waiting for the right timing. Tom happened to meet her before she was ready for anything serious. To make it worse, he started things off too early, making it that much more complicated, resulting in it ending in disaster. Maybe if he just maintained something that was simply friendship until she was ready, it could've worked. But honestly, I think his main mistake lies in that he never straight up told her how he felt about her. He should've just done it, to which she, or at least I, probably would've responded along the lines of: "I like you too, but I think we should wait a little bit for now and just be friends in the meantime to see if it really would work out."

Love is still a worthy cause...

...and always a worthy cause.



a few weeks ago, i came across this video randomly, and it really touched me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCC7kEW1v-4&feature=channel

it really encouraged me to love unconditionally. i like helping others, but sara groves definitely took it to a new level. today, while i was feeling really stressed out by everything today, yet not so motivated to get studying done, i met up with a few friends throughout the day instead of my original game plan of going to the stacks all day.

granted, as im sitting here and writing this, getting even more stressed out about my exam tomorrow, i looked back at today, and realized it was all worth it. i think all of us fall victim to getting stressed out by the daily happenings of college: exams, projects, papers, deadlines, extracurriculars, friendships, relationships, whatever it may be. but there's one thing that will always be greater than all these priorities, and that's love. our love. God's love. It's so great.

Most people are familiar with 1 Corinthians 13. But read on, past the first part, the part most people are familiar with:

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Next to the greatness of God's love, everything seems so trivial. My daily worries don't seem to matter anymore when I remember God's love. And personally, there is nothing else that feels better than when you share God's love with those around you.

Sometimes I don't understand why so many people find February to be such a terrible month to get through. I understand that it can be difficult for many people with the pressures from the way the rest of the world depicts Valentine's day, but I've always found February to be such an endearing month. For a month of the year (or at least the first two weeks leading up to the v-day), people are actively displaying their love for others. It just shows how much love is present in this world. And it makes me happy that people do still love. But why can't this be happening all 365 days of the year that everyone always goes the extra step to love others?

I encourage you to try it this month, and continue it past the month of February. Skip the roses, chocolates, and jewelry this year. It's definitely nice to receive that as a girl, but I hope that you'll be able to show your genuine love (and God's love) all year round in so many more meaningful ways. Show how much greater love can be without the materialistic gifts, through what you do, just like Jesus. Take that extra minute to send an appreciation email to a friend for no reason. Take 10 minutes to stop and ask about a friend's day. Take 30 minutes to drive a friend to the grocery store. Take the extra hour to have lunch with a friend and learn more about him/her. Take 2 hours to listen to a freshman's struggles and concerns. Stop inside Jimmy John's to get a loaf for cents to give to that homeless guy you pass every day. All of that would mean so much more to me than a flower.

Make sharing God's love an organic, overflowing part of your life, in the same way He does.