i think im gonna try to write in here again. more frequently, less elaborately, but we'll see how that goes. who even reads this anymore? i dont think anyone... but maybe i'm wrong. more of just a place for me to document the things i've been learning since graduation.... since i feel like i've learned so much more about life in the last 3 months than i have all of college.... and i thought i learned a lot in college.
but first, an update...
1) TIME FLIES when you're not in school. i've felt like i was in this time warp since i graduated... i can't believe another 1/4 of the year (3 months since graduation) has already gone by! eff... and life is on this perpetual fast forward. it's ironic, and throws me off greatly, because now that i've started working, life is SO routine and i feel like i've now started this "stable" lifestyle... but at the same time, time is flying like whoa. monday through wednesday of the work week flies by, thursday is the longest day of the week because you're SO close to the weekend but you still have a full day of friday to get through, and come the weekend you're trying to savor every second of it... but unfortunately time flies when you're having fun and monday approaches in the blink of an eye again.
because of this, i constantly feel a sense of urgency with my life... but it frustrates me b/c there's no specific goal. as a student for the last 16 years of my life, there was always a clear big-picture goal: working towards graduation, and entering the next stage of life. now, it's like okay... i know there's some direction in my life, but in terms of a specific goal and a specific deadline... i feel so lost and uncertain. grad school? career promotion / change? move out of aa? relationships? i'm like already waiting for more clarity from God to tell me what the next big change in my life will be, but its unsettling because i have no idea which one it's going to be, or when i'm going to experience it...
so for now i just feel like im living in a black hole in terms of time... and it's been very hard trying to adjust to this and trust God and know that He will be faithful through it all... but now going into the 6th week of my new job, i'm starting to gain more confidence in Him that he still has my life in control, just like the past 22 years of my life. i guess it just caught me off guard b/c i really liked working life in the past at my summer internships, but i kinda forgot it was much easier b/c i knew those were for a short, definite period and then it would end, i'd get an offer to return or not, and come back to aa being a student... but who knows now, i could be in AA working at my current job for the rest of my life! (though i'm praying for more clarity in this area of my life too...)
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2) AA vs NY? several of you have asked about the differences and why i decided to stay... well, ask me in person about why i decided to stay. but ultimately, i miss nyc to death for the following reasons:
1) i truly and greatly all my friends and the extensive and genuine support system i had for my career.... my friends were all able to relate to the hardships and struggles very well because they were going through very similar hardships. here, everyone has different careers... and most people i work with are 10-30 years older than i. the hospital where i work is not a big corporation like new york, which means there's much more transparency where i work. everyone knows everyone, but it's hard to relate b/c they're all married with kids. i miss my friends greatly, and this is the reason that makes me regret not going to ny the most.
2) i also miss walking everywhere and public transportation and not having to drive.
3) i miss the banking work. excel modeling, powerpoint, printing and binding books. yes, i do miss it tons.
the things i dont miss and why i love aa:
1) lifestyle. i like the slower-paced, more laid-back midwestern culture here in michigan. life is more balanced, and life is not work. it's not intense.
2) being able to go home whenever i want. troy is only a 50 minute drive away and i can go home after work or on the weekends, whenever i want a legit home-cooked dinner made by my parents. i also miss my little brothers often, so that's a big plus being able to go home to hang out with them and still be able to be an influential person in their lives as they grow up.
3) my friends here... the last 3 months have been some of the greatest 3 months of my life and i know i wouldn't have been able to adjust to staying in aa without their support even if it was just being around and hanging out with me... need i say more?
4) the church community here... this is almost a love-hate relationship, but hear me out. hate, b/c it definitely makes my life more challenging than it was in new york. people keep me accountable when i mess up (which is often), but spiritually, i'm definitely growing infinitely times more and learning so much more about the heart of God than i ever would even understand in new york. but in the end, i just find myself falling more and more in love with God, and thus learning to really love the life i'm adjusting to here.
so this failed on the less elaborately... but i'm working on it!
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