indifference and irresponsibility

indifference: having no particular interest; unconcerned

irresponsibility: lacking a sense of responsibility; unreliable, untrustworthy 

that's how i felt at the beginning of this week. legit blah mode. didn't want to, but didn't really care to either. my heart was hard and numb. 

indifference. often mistaken for: acceptance, denial, or tolerance. the silent bomb that has no audible timer gaging the amount of damage done until it's too late. it sucks the God-given passions, emotions, and gifts out of my life. is it too late?

one friend writes, 

Indifference is poison in my body. It is slowly killing whatever raw emotion I have left. My emotion has gone from excitement to disappointment, disappointment to hope, hope to anger, and recently anger to indifference. I'm trying hard to grasp what is good, noble, true and lovely. But my world has gone from color to various shades of grey one too many times. Where there was once longing, there is a gaping hole whose yearning to be filled has ceased. It is complacent being wide open, exposed and unfulfilled. 

God, i'm so sorry that this is what i made it this past year. my indifference has led to a sense of irresponsibility. i was not faithful, nor a servant. my heart was hardened and thus it wasn't open to letting you pour your love in. it was but a meager and sparse trickle, and my imperfect love and patience often ran thin or even dry. it was so stupid of me to resist Your hand in refining and purifying my heart. please forgive my stubborn heart. 

fear. i fear failure and uncertainty more than i fear God. i think by the transitive property, that equates to "i value me more than i value You." uhhh.... whups. sorry G. your presence, your glory, you're welcome in.... 

i long to stay in your presence... it's where i belong (not in hiding, or a spirit of timidity). 

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"For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them-- yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me." --1 Corinthians 15:9-10

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." --James 1:2-5

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." --1 Corinthians 15:58

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love." --1 Corinthians 16:13

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It's time to learn. New start. Try again. A new year. A new hope. Even this is God's Grace. No more squeaking by. This year, I desire to grow a deep, genuine passion for God's Glory and His Church. I am a lowly servant, and I am here to learn to serve. 

Stand firm and give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, doing everything in LOVE.