dream come true...

has there ever been one moment in your life where something happens that perfectly ties together all the loose ends in your life that has happened to-date? it's that moment that sums up everything that has happened in your life, and is the answer to the same vision you've been weaving together the last X years of your life. an... "i wish this could happen, oh and this... and this... if only it would happen too... but nahh it's too specific, too much for ask for... but if it did, it'd be awesome."

it's also one of the perhaps three defining moments in your life that is so personal to you, that you wished everyone could experience along with you, but unfortunately for someone else to understand, they'd have to go back and live the last X years of your life to be able to fully understand this feeling. words could not explain, but i will try anyways. pardon my blabber.

it happened the day i found God, and today, and it happened again today, in my world of music. if you know me, music is one of my longest-standing passions. longer than running, cooking, gymnastics, or any other hobby that i love. it was the first hobby i ever took up, and one that i stuck with until today. realistically, it started the day i began violin and piano lessons at the age of three, but to my mother, it began when i was in the womb. she loved classical music and was convinced that listening to classical music before birth could raise a child's IQ, so she played classical music CDs in the house all day long when she was pregnant with me. speaking from personal experience, i might argue differently, but i guess at the very least it cultivated my appreciation for music.

i went to a concert tonight at the Hill. usually, it'd be the musician and his interpretation of the music that really moves me. this time it wasn't. it was the program, but that's what made it that much more powerful. it's kind of like the hearing gospel-- doesn't matter who tells it, but it's undeniable because it is the truth. the program began with Mozart's Fantasia in d minor, then Schubert's 4 Impromptus, followed by a 2nd half of Chopin's 4 Ballades, and concluding with an encore of Chopin's Waltz in c# minor.

a collage of the classics from the romantic and classical eras, but of ultimate significance personally. each piece he played happened to be a milestone in my piano career, so i knew the program cold. i knew every next note, every upcoming difficult run. i have been waiting for the day where i could attend a concert knowing the entire program this well, and there wouldn't have been another concert where i would have known the music better than this one. every time i practiced, i dreamt, "i wished someone would play all these songs in a concert program." tonight, it was like listening to the soundtrack of my piano career.

mozart was the song that played on repeat in my living room when i played as a child, before i could play anything more than the simple twinkle theme on the piano.

schubert's impromptu no. 3 was the first song i studied with an interim teacher as i transitioned from my teacher who had provided the technical training necessary to reach competition level to the teacher who added the polishing touch by refining my musical style resulting in repeatedly placing in the top three at the state level competitions (MDML, OPTF, and MMTA). amongst the winning repertoire in high school: chopin's ballade no. 1 and no. 4. if there is one piece of music that has never left my fingers or my heart, it would be the ballade no. 1. something in that opening C octave is so intimate that it reaches and awakens the depths of my soul that really is able to heal and transform my mood.

however, the thing that was the buttercream icing to the cake was the unexpected waltz he selected for the encore. this was the first piece i ever competed with when i was in 4th grade, at my second piano competition ever at schoolcraft, placing 1st in my age category. it was the moment in my career where i hurdled the barrier of viewing practicing piano as a chore, to really loving music for what it was. perfectly tied together the concert by ending where my passion all began.

but it wasn't all these memories of the final product that truly touched me. it was the flashbacks and memories of the process of getting there, the sadness i felt in the past but the music was able to heal, and the endless hours of disciplined practice. i experienced my life soundtrack with the perfect accoustics in the Hill. tonight i savored the special cadence elongated by the fermata that just cried the heartaches that pained my heart, the run that i had practiced with dotted and reverse dotted rhythms, the 13 to 7 rhythms that i drilled each hand independently until i could play it in my sleep.

it truly reminded me of the process that in everything i do, i need to persevere through the hard times in order to reach the final reward. this adds a new layer of perspective to James 1:12 for me: "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." i can only imagine what that day will be like in the grander scheme of life!

i like to read

i just got back from watching "waiting for superman"... if you haven't seen it, go watch it. i'm willing to assert that even if you don't give the briefest concern for education, this movie will make you think twice, and you will 1) be so thankful that your education was provided for 2) be shocked how such a fundamental system is at such a rudimentary level.

i LOVE to read. read books, read magazines, read blogs, whatever it is... i wish i had more time so i could read more! if i owned my own house, i would turn my walls into a library... and it'd look like this:


i can't really place where my love for reading and learning began. perhaps i got it from my mom, who although she grew up in taiwan and attended school through her undergraduate degree there, was surprisingly an english major (english was not her first, second, or third language), who went on to get her masters in english as well at the university of new mexico. still to this day i have no idea how she comprehended shakespeare or godot, but hey, whatever...

anyways, tangent. sorry... that wasn't the point of this post. back to the point... after the movie, i started thinking about why the system is so messed up, and i could come up with two main points:

1) American culture. uhh let's save the bulk of this argument for next time. this alone is a subject heavy enough to deserve its own post.

2) "Generation Y", otherwise known as "The Millennials". if you're unfamiliar with the names of the generation... educate yourself more here. this is the generation most likely you and I fall into. what separates us from the others is that we grew up with the internet and the boom of social media and what we call the power of "word of mouth". unfortunately, with this, a lot of our facts are "raw" and "filtered", meaning a lot of the time the information we end up receiving is either inaccurate or unconfirmed to be true, or selectively delivered often with important details intentionally or unintentionally omitted. it doesn't help that google reader, rss feeds, twitter, and facebook all give us the option to screen only what we want to hear (which i agree, for the sake of convenience, efficiency, and even awareness i love), but unfortunately for educating myself, not so much.

so its great that i get these news streams and i'm aware of what's going on, but it doesn't help that i can't speak knowledgeably to these topics that i'm aware of. and that's the problem. i still come off as ignorant... if not more ignorant, because now that i've heard about a world crisis, its inexcusable that i didn't try to learn more about what was happening. my life is getting cluttered with things that are supposed to revolutionize my life, but detracting my focus and time from being able to actually get back to [what may have been] the original goal of what all these social media tools intended to provide.

moreover, the invention of technology (ipods, smartphones, and the such) doesn't help us be more in tune with society either. we tune out what's going on around us in our society by plugging the earbuds in the moment we leave our door, immediately isolating ourselves from mankind. i wonder how many people one could meet if he didn't have earbuds, and along with that, how many additional interesting and educational conversations he could have! we get 75% of our updates on our friends from facebook, and of that 75%, probably 90% of those people we never have regular, direct interaction except for maybe once a year (when we wish them happy birthday on facebook or something).

there's even a significant gap between my younger brothers and myself. looking only as far as a 5 year age difference, the ratio of time spent in front of a computer vs. reading educational material would be something like 10:1 to my (disappointing and shameful) 5:1. they are disinterested in anything that consists of text on a piece of paper, with the exception of ESPN magazine and the sports section of the newspaper. sigh... their reading test scores, compared to other academic areas, are significantly 20% lower.

in this new generation, our knowledge is fragmented and distracted. we're constantly dealing with the problem of misinformation. i'd be interested how much more educational material i would be able to sponge up if i limited my internet use to 1 hour a day (for efficiency purposes of checking my bank accounts, paying the bills, and e-mail correspondence). unfortunately, that's not really practical anymore and... our lives do revolve around use of the internet. if onlyy i could...

educate yourself

Now after the last post ladies, take responsibility. Stop being so ignorant. Do your homework and don't deny it-- just like men and sports, we have our own interests. i know it's unfair that we have to try harder sometimes, but it's better than not trying at all and to break the norm that's been established for as long as we existed, you have to start somewhere... just be educated about what’s going on outside of your interests… such as sports, politics (im guilty of this one too), and the local and world news.

Sports. Many women are so disinterested in this topic that they are completely oblivious to the games going on. I don’t expect you to know the exact BCS rankings every Monday morning and the stats of each football player, but at least be aware so you are knowledgeable and ready to participate in a discussion if your boss asks you “who are you cheering for this weekend” or “what did you think of that pass in the last 2 minutes of the game”. Even with my level of interest... I’ve been there before, and I’ve also responded with “which game” before. Not a good place to be. Biggest mistakes ever. If you can’t speak the language of men, unfortunately, its an automatic strike out in the corporate world and your career.

Politics. Know who’s running. Know their platforms. And know the laws and issues that are heated topics in congress. Then have a stance, be able to support your position with logical ideas, and speak confidently to them when asked. It won’t be every day, but there will be situations that come up, and you will have to speak knowledgeably on them.

Read the news. Make the NYT your home page and scan it every morning when you get into work. Sign up for Twitter feeds that will educate you and create awareness on global and societal issues.

These aren't just things that just matter in the office. It will also help you understand your clients and connect with them. It will help expand your network.

Know what you believe, believe in what you know.

to be a better steward

recently, i've been self-educating to prepare myself for whatever's to come in the future.. reading a lot of books, becoming more knowledgeable in small businesses, different industries, different countries and cultures, and the bible. it's been pretty interesting, seeing all these different things come together into my own melting pot of interests, and even drawing the link of how they relate to one another in my world and also in others'.

from my reading, there is one thing i recently feel strongly convicted to do: live on 50% of my income for the next 6 months. living on the amount of reduced income is definitely do-able, and for some people easily done, but i know it will be a challenge to me since my jobs and personal savings since 8th grade have always allowed me to save up enough in the bank to do whatever i want without my parents' support (to the extent of living comfortably without worrying about counting the beans down to the dollars). if it came down to convenience and saving a few dollars, i'd probably choose convenience. probably not fiscally wise or as responsible i should be, but it is what it is. so, now is the time we change this.

there are a couple reasons i'm doing this, and it wasn't just one aspect of my interests that fueled this desire: first, i've always had a heart for the nations. it started with geography bee in 5th grade, when i won the city-wide K-8 geography bee (nerdy, i know). but the different regions, cultures, landscapes, foods, peoples, really interested me, and i had a natural liking towards memorizing what every capital was, each country's natural resources, and their local environment. as i grew older, one of my life goals is to travel to every country. though i'm not sure that this will happen in this fashion of vacationing in every country (just because financially speaking, this is not a very smart way to spend my money), if the opportunity arises, i would like to experience different cultures to better understand the human race, perhaps spending a summer, a few months, or even a couple years or longer in another country doing missions and building relationships.

second, i've always taken an interest in the local ann arbor community and the small businesses in the area. talking to local entrepreneurs, i've identified some needs of the community that i would like to take part in providing someday. though i never thought i'd use my BBA education for the corporate world, i can definitely see it be utilized one day in this area to reach the community through my own business. with the current business plan i'm working on, it will require a decent capital outlay in the initial years if i do choose to implement this plan. before i take full ownership in implementing this "project", i want to experience what it will be like to have to operate under a tight budget to simulate the circumstances in a startup.

while i'm still unclear on what the near future will bring, these are the two areas of my life i've most recently felt inclined to explore further. i don't want to completely rely on stability and planning, but i would like to be a good steward so i can act in faith but according to a direction and plan. with my current job working as a financial analyst, i've been learning to be more responsible counting the beans down to the exact cent, even if it's a cent out of a million dollars. as a corporate job, it doesn't fall in line with either of the two points i mentioned above, but yet my time here has been a very valuable time of learning how to manage a large business and the associated costs of operating one. i'm learning to be faithful with the current opportunity, and work on developing a skill set that can easily be transferred to do either of the above.

i'm confident this personal "budget crunch" is leading to something big... i can feel it. though i don't know exactly yet, i'm excited to discover it this year, and know this conviction is part of the process i will need to go through and want to go through to discover the end goal. it will teach me more lessons than i can imagine, as i'll have to eat in more often, pass on certain purchases, and think twice before making certain decisions. i expect there will be times when i'll have to sacrifice convenience to save those few extra dollars to stay under my new tighter budget. however, at the same time, i think it'll be a fun and educational six months of preparing for whatever may come in the future. perhaps it will give me a new lifestyle and i'll want to extend six months to a year or indefinitely. perhaps it may even give me more clarity to what i need to be ready to do and which direction to head in next with this money! in the meantime, i'll just continue to trust and have faith, working, reading, and learning as much as i can.

leap of faith

Just like religion, in life, there are moments where we need to take a leap of faith. Today, I’ve come to that break in the road where I’m going to take that jump again. I think most people never fully realize their potential because they’re too scared of taking the risk. Too insecure to give up what they have. And sadly, this is why many people never come to know God either, because they want to hold so on tightly to what they have. Even many Christians like myself are missing out on such a big part of their faith because we are so insecure that we hold onto what we have and know and never allow ourselves to relinquish total control over our life to our Creator.

Life of a working adult has been very interesting. It makes me think a lot more about life, relationships, and faith. Interestingly, I’ve found that values across all three are very much so parallel with one another and consistent in that the principles can be applied in the same way.

Today’s applied principle: taking the risk. I’ve come to the point at my first full-time job where I’ve learned enough about myself and discovered the things that excite and motivate me. These include: an entrepreneurial environment where I can take more ownership in the direction of what I’m doing, building a relationship with someone and being able to influence their life directly (through teaching, mentoring, counseling, listening).

The thing I’ve realized is a problem in our culture today: we’re too easily satisfied with “good”. In the book, Good to Great, Jim Collins opens his book by stating, “Good is the enemy of great. And that is one of the key reasons why we have so little that becomes great… few people attain great lives, in large part because it is so easy to settle for a good life.”

So true. We get mediocre results and think, “yeah, we did pretty well.” We’re easily satisfied, and because we fear to lose what we’ve “earned” for ourselves, we don’t dare to dream bigger in fears of squandering our treasures. So we just focus on maintaining what we have. It actually just shows how insecure we are of our own skills and abilities, that when we finally get it, we cling on tightly because for some reason, we are convinced that we deserve every bit of it because we worked for it.

But is it really ours? Some could argue that it was our hard work that got us there. I argue that in today’s culture, it is evident that everything in our culture only points towards an unfair society. No longer is it about what we know, but who we know. The value of our skills and abilities are diminished, and it’s more about being in the right place at the right time. I believe that God’s plan puts us in the right place at the right time, and gives me a bigger case to argue that He planned and gave it all to me, when I least deserved anything.

Recently, I was placed in a relational situation of wanting something so badly for myself that I did everything I could to maintain possession / access to it. However, when I realized that I wasn’t able to, and started seeing it slip out of my control, it frustrated me so much emotionally that I noticed it was affecting my spiritual life as well. I started doubting God, getting frustrated with Him, and was also starting to get distracted in my spiritual disciplines. Through prayer and accountability, I was convicted to let go of it so I could better focus on strengthening my relationship with God. Though initially hard at first, I was able to fully relinquish control over it and let it be set free from my thoughts as a distraction.

Surprisingly, after a few weeks of trying this out and turning to Him for the strength to give it up, he brought it back into my life. At first, I was stubborn and hesitant, and didn't want to be open to inviting it back into my life. I wasn't sure if I was ready to accept it again. But this time, it was pure, and God-given. No longer was it an idol that tied me down like a dead-weight, but it gave me the opportunity to experience freedom in Christ. This same thing, that once used to hinder my spiritual growth became a blessing in my life that motivated me.

Recently, I was talking to my mentors whom I greatly respect for support and advice on the next direction to take in my career. One of my mentors once told me that if the world’s top leaders stuck with what was conservative and was going to give them guaranteed results, then they would’ve never made it to where they were today. “But have a solid plan, and once you go with the decision, stick with it,” she said. “If you want to take a risk, as long as you are confident you have a good plan, do it now. Don’t let yourself get too comfortable with what you have, because it will be too hard to do it later, when that promotion comes, when the family comes. You’ll be more tempted to stay where you are, because you’ve become numbly comfortable. There will be more on the line to risk, and it will only get harder to walk away from stability.”

Now, I am able to understand why so many people end up in careers they don't fully enjoy, because they get sucked in “out of necessity”, and end up becoming a slave to their jobs because the promotions come that they can't turn it down because it's something better than what they currently have. It's a secure step to make. But it didn’t have to be that way, and it doesn’t have to. I’ve already learned once that once you let go of your riches that are hindering you from being able to fully realize your potential, the blessings will rain down if you can fully trust in His provision. Here it goes again.

a selfish taste of heaven...

now most of you reading this probably know me and about my fanatic love for food. not just eating food or indulging in copious portions of greasy food, but an appreciation for the delicacies in life and a fascination for a delicious, wholesome, balanced, and nutritious diet. which is why, my idea of unwinding at the end of a work week is to wander into whole foods or trader joe's with an idea or two in mind for dinner... (porcini risotto with white wine and truffle oil, or fresh maine lobster with rosemary herbed butter sauce)

while indulging on one of these excursions, i can never resist the temptation to wander into the ice cream aisle whenever i walk into a grocery store. usually it was just to satisfy my eye-lust for it, but to also scope out potential sales going on in the ice cream department. today, on such occasion to my dismay, there were no sales. however, there was one pint of ice-cream that caught my eye just as i was about to continue on. trader joe's premium coffee bean ice cream. i picked it up... $2.99 and 180 calories...so i placed it back and continued throughout the store with my purchases for my pesto sundried tortellini recipe that i concocted on this trip. i couldnt justify buying something unhealthy that was not on sale. however, the thought of coffee BEAN ice cream lingered throughout the remainder of this excursion, and just before getting in line, i was no longer able to fight the urge. i took a slight detour back to the ice cream aisle and swooped the tub up, championing the prized possession in my arms.

after motivating myself to go on a long run after this excursion, and being pleasantly reminded of why michigan autumns were my favorite because of the perfectly crisp weather just for these running occasions, i looked forward to plunging my spoon into this tub of ice cream after my shower.

it.
was.
amazing.

amazing to the point of no sharing. many of you know my stance on how i do not like to "split" desserts, but am fine with sharing a bite, but the taste of this ice cream was delicious to the extreme. close-your-eyes-squealing delicious. and this is when i decided that my future husband can NOT like the same flavor of ice cream that i do, for fear of the refrigerator thieves out there sneaking bites out of my favorite ice cream ever. he must be a lover of ice cream so that we can go indulge at the local parlor together, but no sir, you can not have any of my trader joes premium coffee bean ice cream. no siree. i hope this holds true for my roommates too, that they don't like the same flavors of ice cream as myself, as i would be livid to find a bite of ice cream missing from my tub of ice cream, like when i used to live at home and my brothers would steal from me. i can not share, will not share, regardless of how much i love you. it's all mine.

Dream Job Fridays: Erin Andrews

how do i get a job with the golden state warriors? this is my dream job of the day. perhaps become a finance analyst for them? better yet, PR manager? my friend's dad was the finance manager for the pistons back when we were in high school. their family had their own suite, and we watched the pistons play in the nba finals in '04 in their haydays. that was THE time of my life.

ive been diggin this #7 guy since hearing about him play in the ivy leagues... what more could you ask for? athletic, smart, taiwanese, and holy. better than tim tebow. my parents would approve. someone please get me a job today with the warriors so i can meet him! his dad grew up in the same town in Taiwan that my dad grew up in... perhaps they went to high school together. i should ask.

maybe skip the warriors. i want to become the next erin andrews. im diggin that idea. ESPN needs an asian sports anchor anyways-- diversify not just the sports teams but even their own employees. then, i can get free VIP admission to all the major sports events. who wants to be a finance analyst anyways? i think i have some relevant transferable skills from my public speaking class in the b-school and my experience from my cheerleading and gymnastics days! better start brushing up on my public speaking skills and devote more time to pilates and my marathon training plan... someone get me some heels and a mic, and get me an interview now please!

dive in

Today, I decided I'm taking this blog in a different direction by taking my life in a different direction. Is it bad that sometimes I secretly wished that I didn't have a choice to not have a full time job so I wouldn't feel bad about starting my own business?

What happened to the carefree attitude we had as children who wasn't afraid to be crazy and dream big? When I was younger, I dared to dream limitless dreams, and I was serious about fulfilling each one of them. I loved exploring new hobbies, subjects, and activities. Becoming a cardiac pediatrician, an ER doctor, opening a faith-based children's hospital. Alongside all of this, I also wanted to be a children's book author/illustrator, architect at some point in my life, conductor, elementary school teacher. At some point in my life becoming the Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services to the future President of the United States (John Lin) seemed realistic to me. All those dreams now intimidate me today.

As I got older and became more conservative, I became more realistic, and lowered my expectations and goals. Perhaps I became scared of failure, not being able to achieve those goals. Being "too crazy," as my friends would respond when I shared these aspirations. So then, all I wanted was to fit into the "norm", be a "normal" person, and strive towards a "typical" lifestyle. For me, this meant getting married, and being a stay-at-home mom, and maybe alongside mom-life running some sort of small business venture in my spare time (while the kids took their afternoon naps). And that was all I wanted.

Recently, as I was evaluating what drives me and why I found starting at the bottom of a corporation and working my way up to be unappealing. By nature, I have an extremely entrepreneurialistic spirit. This meant, I wanted to create my own causes and work towards resolving them. I needed work where I could take full ownership of because I came up with the original idea, in order to motivate me. Sitting around a cubicle, waiting for my boss to come up with some "project" was not going to inspire me to fully realize my abilities.

This was when I caught myself. I'm too scared to take risks, too scared to dream big. I want what's stable and safe for myself, even if that means I'll have to give up the opportunity to make a big impact for others. I'm too selfish. I'm scared to take a risk and lose everything I have, in hopes of realizing my dreams to make the world a better place. Too scared to pursue my heart's passion-- teaching piano or opening my own restaurant-- because it doesn't utilize my college degree. (And who doesn't utilize their college degree after spending so much money on tuition?!)

But being risk averse-- that's not how the leaders at the top companies, the leaders of the top churches, and the leaders of our nation function. That's not how your best friend operates. Even your best friend will take the risk of being honest and tell you things you don't want to hear to make you a better person. And that's the value of a best friend. In the same way, the only way you'll ever make a big impact in someone else's life is to take risks. Dream big.

That's where this post is coming in. Today I'm revisiting my life with a new perspective. I still have the same values, and I still want to be a stay-at-home mom. But who said I couldn't be a stay-at-home mom AND be heavily involved in the church community, AND still make an impact in the community through the corporate world? Typical people don't do that, but who said I can't do that? Many people would say, "you can do anything, but not everything." True, maybe not everything, but only the dreamers and people who did things others thought they could never do make the biggest impact in our world. Even the churches with a congregation where the members are strong in their faith have a pastor who isn't afraid to do new and different things. While others are still opposing because they'd much rather live a comfortable, familiar life, the leaders of these churches are pushing to advance onto bigger better ideas. This is how I desire to live. I'm aspiring to be the next (and/or first) stay-at-home mom who will also be making an impact through my church community, and also through some channel in the corporate world. Even though this means I won't be working in a corporation (you can take my word on this), I'd like to launch and manage a start-up. Yes, that will mean that I need to spend time "working", but while it's a "company" by definition, it won't feel or be a job for me. I'll be sure that it is no different from a hobby that I'm passionate about, and whatever dollars (if any) that come out of it, they're only following as a reward additional to the first reward, which is an intrinsic reward of pure happiness and enjoyment of life that matters to me.

Nothing is ever too big to overcome. Take risks, dive in, and shoot for the stars.

grass is always greener

Question: Did life always fly by or is 2010 flying super fast?! How is it already the end of September?! I feel like May just started...

This past week was officially three months since I've been working full time... These first three months have been an emotional three months of conviction-testing, character-building, and soul-searching. While the summer times were fun, staying in Michigan has not been anywhere near as easy as I expected it to be. Guess the grass always seems greener on the other side! But usually, when looking at the attractive benefits, the costs fail to be considered. And this is exactly what happens to me all the time-- I envy others' lives because on the outside it appears perfect.

It was easy for me to say if the opportunity came up for me to stay, I'd take it in a heartbeat. Southeastern Michigan is what I'm familiar with, where I grew up, and where my family and friends are. However, when the opportunity came up, it was a tough and nervewracking decision to give up the opportunity to go to New York. And since the decision to stay in Ann Arbor, life wasn't easy even though my family and friends were nearby.

These months have been challenging, as I expected life to continue on as normal but was not the case. Several friends still graduated and moved away, many to new york. Adapting to a working lifestyle and re-establishing a community here was difficult as the people I interacted with on a day-to-day basis changed. Many days I wonder what life would have been like if I went to New York. If somehow, being 600 miles away from familiarity would have been easier. Despite the doubts and the changes, my convictions and God's promises remained consistent. I've realized through all the times I feared that I made the wrong choice to stay, wished I was elsewhere, I was too busy counting other people's blessings and not enough of my own. Little did I realize, they had costs and sacrifices they had to make associated to those blessings as well, and the grass always seems greener.

Time's been flying, and I've lost three months in this time warp. Enough reflecting and looking back, I've reconciled with the past enough to move forwards now. Time to live life as it comes, and time to grow to become more mature and responsible for what's to come next. I'm living in the moment now and fully enjoying each day of my life with my community here. Life is flying by and I don't want us to get old without having fun and making valuable memories out of the good times... are you in?

hello again

i think im gonna try to write in here again. more frequently, less elaborately, but we'll see how that goes. who even reads this anymore? i dont think anyone... but maybe i'm wrong. more of just a place for me to document the things i've been learning since graduation.... since i feel like i've learned so much more about life in the last 3 months than i have all of college.... and i thought i learned a lot in college.

but first, an update...

1) TIME FLIES when you're not in school. i've felt like i was in this time warp since i graduated... i can't believe another 1/4 of the year (3 months since graduation) has already gone by! eff... and life is on this perpetual fast forward. it's ironic, and throws me off greatly, because now that i've started working, life is SO routine and i feel like i've now started this "stable" lifestyle... but at the same time, time is flying like whoa. monday through wednesday of the work week flies by, thursday is the longest day of the week because you're SO close to the weekend but you still have a full day of friday to get through, and come the weekend you're trying to savor every second of it... but unfortunately time flies when you're having fun and monday approaches in the blink of an eye again.

because of this, i constantly feel a sense of urgency with my life... but it frustrates me b/c there's no specific goal. as a student for the last 16 years of my life, there was always a clear big-picture goal: working towards graduation, and entering the next stage of life. now, it's like okay... i know there's some direction in my life, but in terms of a specific goal and a specific deadline... i feel so lost and uncertain. grad school? career promotion / change? move out of aa? relationships? i'm like already waiting for more clarity from God to tell me what the next big change in my life will be, but its unsettling because i have no idea which one it's going to be, or when i'm going to experience it...

so for now i just feel like im living in a black hole in terms of time... and it's been very hard trying to adjust to this and trust God and know that He will be faithful through it all... but now going into the 6th week of my new job, i'm starting to gain more confidence in Him that he still has my life in control, just like the past 22 years of my life. i guess it just caught me off guard b/c i really liked working life in the past at my summer internships, but i kinda forgot it was much easier b/c i knew those were for a short, definite period and then it would end, i'd get an offer to return or not, and come back to aa being a student... but who knows now, i could be in AA working at my current job for the rest of my life! (though i'm praying for more clarity in this area of my life too...)

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2) AA vs NY? several of you have asked about the differences and why i decided to stay... well, ask me in person about why i decided to stay. but ultimately, i miss nyc to death for the following reasons:
1) i truly and greatly all my friends and the extensive and genuine support system i had for my career.... my friends were all able to relate to the hardships and struggles very well because they were going through very similar hardships. here, everyone has different careers... and most people i work with are 10-30 years older than i. the hospital where i work is not a big corporation like new york, which means there's much more transparency where i work. everyone knows everyone, but it's hard to relate b/c they're all married with kids. i miss my friends greatly, and this is the reason that makes me regret not going to ny the most.
2) i also miss walking everywhere and public transportation and not having to drive.
3) i miss the banking work. excel modeling, powerpoint, printing and binding books. yes, i do miss it tons.

the things i dont miss and why i love aa:
1) lifestyle. i like the slower-paced, more laid-back midwestern culture here in michigan. life is more balanced, and life is not work. it's not intense.
2) being able to go home whenever i want. troy is only a 50 minute drive away and i can go home after work or on the weekends, whenever i want a legit home-cooked dinner made by my parents. i also miss my little brothers often, so that's a big plus being able to go home to hang out with them and still be able to be an influential person in their lives as they grow up.
3) my friends here... the last 3 months have been some of the greatest 3 months of my life and i know i wouldn't have been able to adjust to staying in aa without their support even if it was just being around and hanging out with me... need i say more?
4) the church community here... this is almost a love-hate relationship, but hear me out. hate, b/c it definitely makes my life more challenging than it was in new york. people keep me accountable when i mess up (which is often), but spiritually, i'm definitely growing infinitely times more and learning so much more about the heart of God than i ever would even understand in new york. but in the end, i just find myself falling more and more in love with God, and thus learning to really love the life i'm adjusting to here.

so this failed on the less elaborately... but i'm working on it!