while reality tv is not real, reality is real

lesson learned: don't be too thankful on thanksgiving... because monday will come... and that's reality.

just kidding. sort of. i have tons to be thankful for, i have so much more than i deserve. but this monday has been one of the most depressing days since my freshman days, when i literally DREADED getting into the car to drive back to aa. last night, that feeling returned. i literally put off getting in the car for an hour just by sitting in our kitchen and conversing with my parents and brothers after dinner.

thanksgiving break, in short, was TOO good. it's been a while since i've had a break this good before. it felt so good to hang out with the family, see old friends, and catch up with "family"-- those family friends who are so close they are considered family because every holiday it's the same 4 or 6 families who gather since we've been 6 or 7 years old and we grew up together. these are people in my life where we just lounge around together, lie on top of each other, share the dumb things we do in life together, talk about relationships, pick at left overs at the dinner table together, and watch scary, funny, dumb, whatever movies together. whatever we're doing-- it feels so right.

but now that we're growing up... it's harder to get all of us together now that we're all working. everyone's moving out of michigan. not everyone comes home for the holidays. but when we do come together, boy its amazing. and when we have to say goodbye after a short but amazing time together, it sucks. a lot.

i can't tell if i'm experiencing withdrawal from the weekend right now, or if this is a realization of the reality of growing up. it's probably both. i keep trying to remind myself, "grass seems greener on the other side..." but today, i'm having a really hard time reconciling with why i'm still in aa when all my closest friends are out on the east coast now. as much as i love the city of aa, today i want to be anywhere but here.

so what does this mean? am i losing faith in my commitment to aa? or is this a wakeup call to reassess for the next year?