three strikes

this week, i experienced a glimpse of the pain a parent feels when rejected by their child. as a parent, you have the choice to care or not to care for your child. the difference between being a good parent and a bad parent is learning how to discipline, how much to discipline, when to discipline, and when to love. but, children hate discipline. i hate discipline. i remember when i was a child, i'd retaliate and rebel. my parents would tell me it hurt them to discipline me, but i really never understood what they were talking about.

mom and dad, i think i kind of get it now. 

the situation went like this: i was "lightheartedly" quarreling with a friend this week. not that the matter at hand actually was even remotely important enough to raise any havoc over, so i had no desire to take things seriously-- okay, so yes, maybe i chose the wrong battle to "jokingly" fight this time-- but that's partially why i sarcastically jested and bickered because it was such a silly matter. i thought i wouldn't care whether or not they wanted to hear my input, because i really didn't think i had that much to offer in this situation. in the midst of my desire to care and help, and out of my own insecurities of not being able to, my defenses subconsciously went up to make my caring "lighthearted", probably so i could brush it off if they didn't take it to heart. [strike one.]

but deep down, i was genuinely concerned and wanted to help, but my subconscious defenses just felt like being a bit facetious in the moment. unfortunately, the friend actually took it to heart, and shut down communication... whups. [strike two.]

since i had approached the situation with an (inappropriately) lighthearted manner, i was surprised at the strong sentiment of pain it elicited within me when i received an unexpectedly strong reaction from my friend. [welp. defense mechanism backfire. three strikes and you're out.]

when they responded and didn't want to hear what i really had to offer, it actually hurt. (it really caught me off guard.) even though i wasn't trying to discipline in this situation, like in the parent illustration given up top, i was still hurt that they no longer wanted to hear my input anymore. thankfully, i had the tact to at least rewind back to realize that this was not the right battle to pick from the begin, and that it was childish to let such a silly thing get in between us. not worth it. so i had to release my hurt, along with all temptations of wanting to fight back with justice, and immediately let it go and reconcile with the friend.

even though this is a dissimilar situation, i guess it's a glimpse of what parenting with love is like: that moment when your child goes astray and abandons every teaching moment that you've sown in hopes that they would grow. instead-- they didn't learn. worse, they don't care. i guess parenting is hard... parents can say things because they genuinely care or genuinely want to help. but for whatever reason, the "child" does not want to hear it from you. 

and yes, it hurts. a lot. i guess that's exactly how God feels when he tries to discipline me, but in my childishness, i try to fight him...... oops. sorry God...