you can do better.

"you can do better." also synonymous to, "you have higher potential than that." "don't just settle for that." 

i think i've realized that these four words are probably the most personally injuring words that anyone could say to me. so if you want to make me cry, or say something that really hurts, you can say that to me. i won't even get mad at you.

but more than that, i think these are words i've heard countless times in the last two years, words that deeply wound each time i hear them, regardless of who says it to me. i've heard it from a parent, their friends, my friends, strangers, mentors, professors, bosses, patients... in all the forms they could say it. but it all communicates to me, "you're better than that. don't be a sellout. don't settle. you could be doing bigger things. better things." 

but, who do they think i'm supposed to be? maybe, those are all lies...

deep down inside, i know. i know that i could get a better job if i wanted. i know that i could possibly be making 3, 4, or even 5 times my current salary. i know because it's happened before. a previous paycheck, a job offer, or a headhunter call. it's not news, nor am i proud of those things, but i deliberately made the choice to not accept those things-- not once, but many times. and each time, it was frustratingly hard. and i still struggle each time i write my rent check. but as appealing as numbers can sound, at the end of the day it's not what i want, and i confidently know that much. 

well, today i met with a professor in the school of public health, who also happened to have a degree in career counseling. i walked in with all intentions to talk about other things, but he wanted to talk about my career. thinking i knew what i wanted to do, i shared those things with him (cause after all, that's why i'm applying to the SPH, right?)... but to my dismay, he shut all options down. told me to stop, and just focus on the present and doing it to the best that i could. (of course, not without first telling me that i could be getting paid much more.) but it was a good reminder. he also told me not to focus so much on trying to find that perfect thing to do that will please everyone, because it's not realistic. "just be committed to excellence in everything you are currently doing, and that perfect thing will find you." 

all that was reassuring and a good reminder, but sometimes i just wished i couldn't do better. sometimes i wished it'd be okay to settle for less than perfect, because that's who i am. imperfect. maybe it'd be easier if people around me didn't always expect so much. because, maybe then, i could just settle. drown out all these voices around me, and settle for what God wants, and not what people want of me. 

and just be me, a child of God.