family

meet my family. last night, we managed to squeeze the 17 children of 10 families around our kitchen table, while 15 "adults" dined in the dining room. long story short, it was crazy. but a good kind of crazy. it was warm, cheerful, and comfortable.

this is the "family" i've grown up with. though not all blood-related, we're family through Christ's blood... some of which i've known since first grade. since we're all second generation children, we don't have extended family here in the states-- they're all in taiwan. but fortunately, the holidays are never lonely because we have each another. this is our family here. each year, we celebrate thanksgiving, christmas, new year's, memorial day, and july fourth together.

"church family" can really become your real family. we talk about this concept each year in life group on campus, and it's hard to grasp b/c it seems like that family ends at the end of each school year... but the church family i have at home is my real family. i think i consider them closer than some of my relatives in taiwan.

we talk about things i'd never dare share with anyone else. with the "older kids" around my age, we laugh together at the stupid mistakes that happened in the past, we call each other out, we discuss the difficult and awkward topics in life (relationships, sex, drugs, and alcohol, etc.), and we share about who we like or are dating-- and it's completely comfortable, even often with our moms and dads joining in the conversations. zero judgement, full acceptance, and lots of laughter. every time when we come together, it's really comfortable, and we can pick up conversation right where we left off months ago.

my parents also set a good example by reaching out and inviting newcomers to our "family" dinner. just like every other year on campus, we had our life group "thanksgiving outreach dinner" this year, as if it was just what we did. invite our friends out and eat a turkey with life group, because it was called thanksgiving outreach. almost as if we were mandated to bring people. (hopefully that's not our heart behind inviting friends out... yikes!)

but this year's thanksgiving dinner was different. the parentals & other families invited newcomers. they didn't have to, but they wanted to. i know it wasn't the most comfortable for conversation for both parties and perhaps very awkward, but it was beautiful to witness. this meant they couldn't even speak taiwanese or chinese, since one of the girls they invited was hispanic. (God forbid, they had to bust out their broken english!! ...haha j/k, it wasn't that bad... my can speak english just fine... they just prefer not to if they don't have to.) she was around my age, and getting trained for work under the supervision of my friend's dad for a few months before returning back to her family in mexico. another older, middle-aged man had a physical disability, and had no family to celebrate the holidays with. seeing both their smiles at dinner really warmed my heart last night.

i would never trade this gigantic family for another one. it's also crazy that the "children" aren't really "children" anymore... most of us are in college or graduated and working. wonder what it's gonna look like when grandchildren come into the equation...

OpEd: digitization, schmigitization...

okay, okay, i get it. minimalism is the trend nowadays. we like simple, efficient, clean, portable, connected... more news, less text. (i still have mixed feelings on that last one...)

and over the last few years, the ipad, kindle, nook, have taken over a new category of digital toys called e-books. for frequent commuters and travelers, these toys are perfect. people on the go. people who don't have time to stop and smell the flowers. whatever happened to enjoying life? appreciating literature? after all, isn't that what books are for? appreciation of literature?

these digital monsters have taken over my appreciation for books. they're intruding in my space. the experience of reading a book on a screen is completely different from picking out a book at a bookstore, patiently waiting in line to purchase it, then anticipating each red light to turn green so i can get home, crack it open, and smell the new pages of the book. that in itself is an experience... the investment of time, money, and other resources that were put into owning the new book. being able to underline, highlight, and write notes in the margins. never mind the gratification received from the rubbing the pages in between my fingers as i read through each page, or getting to the end of a chapter and feeling the thickness of the book grow in my left hand and diminish in my right.

and borders... well we already talked about that yesterday. apple, amazon, b&n, you guys are not only ruining the practicals of life... but also my holidays!

i don't care that your gadget helps me "travel light"-- the whole point of being able to lug around a book on vacation is part of the investment. by making it physically lighter, more convenient to obtain, they are slashing the value of literature. the value of being literate. if it's too convenient, then the motivation to read it diminishes. it is what it is: an electronic toy.

but no thank you, i prefer my physical book over your toy any day. this would not be possible without!

This Is Where We Live from 4th Estate on Vimeo.

Read more about the "making of" here. Pretty phenomenal, huh?

borderless

i just typed in "www.borders.com" and guess what page i landed on? NO, B&N! i don't care for your welcoming message plastered with green. i want my comfort and familiarity back.

books. music. cafe. starbucks coffee.
(wait.. usually it's seattle's best? anyways...)

what more did i need to ask for? one thing i'll definitely miss as we head into the holiday season are my borders stores. it was the perfect atmosphere to aimlessly stroll into on a holiday evening after being filled with leftover turkey and mashed potatoes to browse through newly published titles, while christmas music played in the background. the perfect store to do all your christmas shopping. the perfect location to study on a sunday afternoon. the perfect environment to chat with other literate bookworms perusing the aisles of good books. the perfect place to sip on a hot peppermint mocha with an old friend back in town for the holidays.

...and to pick out a couple books to take home with me to read and cuddle up with some blankets in front of our fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate and mini marshmallows.

so goes my holiday. we'll see what happens this year without a place to go. i'm slightly perturbed by the fact that my kids will never know what borders is, or what great joy it could bring.

wise wednesdays

...or really, not so wise. i think the more accurate name would've been "reflective wednesdays". this is more what wednesdays are typically for me, but hey, alliteration, smolliteration. hopefully all this reflecting eventually turns into wisdom someday.

wednesdays are the hardest day for me. "hard" does not necessarily equate to bad, but "hard" has a higher potential to become bad. but hardship, fought with wisdom, becomes good. fighting with wisdom, however, is the struggle. it's easy to let my thoughts run irrationally, but controlled, rational thoughts take much more effort... especially when it's an early morning.

let me explain.

6:30am-- the alarm goes off. "time to shower, cathy," it calls. whack! ...no response. i attempt to evade reality as i shut my eyes and try to return to the dream i had been rudely interrupted from. my alarm beckons multiple times over the next hour, before i finally succumb to dragging myself out of bed. (had i not skipped showering yesterday, i would've let this continue for another 10 minutes and skipped today.) as i'm standing in the shower, a stream of reprobative thoughts flow through my mind as i mentally run through my wednesday schedule, which consists of a 12 hour work day and 3 meetings immediately after.

after coming out of the shower, i wrapped myself in my oversize white supmia bath towel, and proceeded to delay reality for another 5 minutes as i throw myself back in bed. "i don't want to go to work today," "why me," "i wished i could take today off," i repeated in my head. (not a morning person.) finally, as my digital clock changed to 7:39am, i sprung out of bed, threw my clothes on, and ran out of my apartment. for, if i wanted that grande SF hazelnut soy latte from starbucks, 7:40am was the latest i could leave and still be on time for work. last week, in my early morning irrationality, i had convinced myself that i didn't need coffee. that was a lesson learned and a brutal mistake never to be repeated again.

it wasn't until that i shoved my key into the ignition that i stopped myself for 0.59 seconds. purpose, i reminded myself of the commitment i made at the beginning of the year to live each day with purpose. at that moment, all my grumbling thoughts were silenced. grace. compassion. joy. humbled again.

"then the Lord said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. the people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. in this way i will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. “in the evening you will know that it was the Lord who brought you out of Egypt, and in the morning you will see the glory of the Lord, because he has heard your grumbling against him. who are we, that you should grumble against us?” Moses also said, “you will know that it was the Lord when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning, because he has heard your grumbling against him. who are we? you are not grumbling against us, but against the Lord.” - Exo. 16:4-8

good morning, wednesday.

jesus justice

last week, one of our social service clients were turned away. this is rare, since at Hope Clinic we truly believe in being able to provide for every person in need. for the last three years, she had been coming in for baby formula. the first year, she claimed it "for her twins", and after they turned one, she kept coming, claiming she now had full custody of her sisters' newborn twins. we trusted her as a mother in need, so we continued to fill her demand whenever she came in.

over time, going into the third year that she was coming in for formula, we began to feel uneasy whenever she came in. initially, it was only a gut feeling that could not be merited with any reasonable explanation, so we continued to fill her demand. eventually, we realized that we had never once seen her come in with either sets of her "twins" that she had been supposedly filling this formula for. finally, one day our staff felt like we could not let this go on unaddressed, so after three years, we finally asked her to bring in documentation of her custody over these "twins". since then, we haven't seen her, and it was confirmed that she had been selling the free formula she was receiving from us.

initially, when i heard this, anger for justice raged inside me. "how dare someone take advantage of this system?" "why didn't we address the issue when we first knew her demands were illegitimate?" "why did we let this go on for three years before addressing it?"

as fury was beginning to build up within me and i was hearing this story from the staff member who was directly serving the client, i began to express my fervent concerns of injustice to our system in this situation to her. then, she stopped me to explain something i did not expect to hear, and it left me speechless.

"you know," she began. "i felt the same way too. but as i was praying about how to handle the situation, i realized perhaps this was how God intended for her to provide for her own means during these three years. even though it was not the right thing for her to do, it may have been part of God's plan for her as a means to get by. so in that conscience i could not cut her off. our God is a just God, but His definition of justice trumps ours. just like when he gave israel a king, it was not the right thing per se, but in that moment, God allowed it to happen because he had a greater plan."

whoa. God's justice is greater than our definition of "justice". it was then when i realized that it's not always our job to claim justice in this world... we are often focused on fighting for social justice, for everyone getting their "equal share." but even when the nation of Israel unrightfully asked for a king, he still answered their prayer and provided. and that's the point-- God gave even in times when it was not right. yet He was still fully in control of the situation. He's the ultimate provider, and will provide in whatever ways he wants. in fact, when He provided in the bible, it was often in abundance. maybe sometimes we just need to take a step back, and instead of jumping right in to "fight for justice" and take control over the situation with our own understanding of justice, to simply let God be in control and trust that He knows what He's doing.

touch freely

this thought has been brought up in more than four different contexts / conversations in the last month: 1) at our staff training meeting, 2) in a church sermon, 3) at an academic lecture, and 4) with some of my friends of both genders.

found it quite interesting, so i figured we'd further discuss here. the truth: touching and being touched is a basic human need. according to maslow's hierarchy of needs, it is placed on the same level as our fundamental physiological needs of breathing, food, water, sleep, shelter, etc. basically, if we didn't have it, we would die.

in fact, babies who are deprived of touch often do not survive, and the similar result follows for the elderly. those who have their hunger for physical touch are generally happier, more secure, more communicative, more alert, and understood. similar to our cravings for food and water, we also crave touch.

physical touch can bring healing-- emotionally, mentally, or even medically. in several medical cases, the simple act of stroking the patient could calm their spasms. mother teresa's ministry included visits to orphanages just to provide them with physical touch. and... a lack of physical touch leads to loneliness, withdrawal, depression, anxiety, and pain.

touch validates us. we need it. it gives us security that our existence matters, that we are cherished.

party of 1, please

...not for the faint of heart.

i've recently grown this love for dining out alone late at night with a glass of wine and a good leisure book. (no, i don't get to do it often due to limited resources of time and $, but when i do get the opportunity it is something i love to indulge in.)

not only is it the most amazing time to unwind and actually focus on my delicious food rather than a conversation, but when i'm up for it, it's also an excellent opportunity to meet really awesome people-- at least if you lived in a cultured city. (my top favorites are boston, ann arbor, and nyc.)

conversations have grazed topics on interests, relationships, religion, music, fashion, careers, news, and random things. sometimes, they're actually intriguing enough where we scheduled a second meal together. it's awesome. sometimes we stay friends, and sometimes we don't. i don't think that's the primary intention... for me, it's an eye-opening opportunity to learn about people with different backgrounds than myself, to become as un-sheltered as possible, experience reality, and gain wisdom from older folks that i meet.

often, people feel insecure eating alone. but why? do it right, and it's extremely classy. try it out for yourself sometime and let me know what you think. it's like taking yourself out... on a date with yourself.

----
Sarina Lewis, of theage.com, describes her experiences well here.

joie de vivre

Definition: a cheerful enjoyment of life; an exultation of spirit.

"can be a joy of conversation, joy of eating, joy of anything one might do… And joie de vivre may be seen as a joy of everything, a comprehensive joy, a philosophy of life, a Weltanschauung. Robert's Dictionnaire says joie is sentiment exaltant ressenti par toute la conscience, that is, involves one's whole being."

---
source: wikipedia

trying to find, a little bit of hope...

When I first watched this video earlier today at work, even on mute and just cutting through the video, it made me long to be in the city I loved. The city I spent a significant time of my undergraduate years in. The city that lured me away from Christ, but ultimately back to falling deeper in love with him. The city that changed my views of this world, and forever changed my life.

After work, I decided to watch it again with audio, thinking audio usually makes a deeper impact. Little did I know, the videographer decided to cut it to James Vincent McMorrow's song, "We Don't Eat". The lyrics are DEEP LIKE WHOA.

We don't eat until your father's at the table, we don't drink until the devil's turned to dust.

A Year in New York from Andrew Clancy on Vimeo.

...I miss you, New York City.

it's the most wonderful time....

...of the year!!! november 1 should be a holiday, especially because i think it's more exciting than the holiday that falls on the day before.

november 1 is typically the day people come out of their emo selves of moping around from the whole year, and is also the day when it is acceptable to start playing christmas music on the radio (although i disagree and believe it is still unacceptable until AFTER thanksgiving, but we'll save that discussion for another day...), and most exciting of all, guess what appeared this morning as i stood in line for my morning dose of caffeine... STARBUCKS REDCUPS!

in fact, so exciting that i had to sneakily put my contigo away in my bag, and forego the ten cent discount you get from using your own mug, just so i could celebrate this holiday by getting my extra-hot soy latte in a redcup. (yes, i killed another tree, but come on, it's a h-o-l-i-d-a-y.) WIN!

christmas is coming, the turkey's getting fat... the holidays are near!!