wise wednesdays

...or really, not so wise. i think the more accurate name would've been "reflective wednesdays". this is more what wednesdays are typically for me, but hey, alliteration, smolliteration. hopefully all this reflecting eventually turns into wisdom someday.

wednesdays are the hardest day for me. "hard" does not necessarily equate to bad, but "hard" has a higher potential to become bad. but hardship, fought with wisdom, becomes good. fighting with wisdom, however, is the struggle. it's easy to let my thoughts run irrationally, but controlled, rational thoughts take much more effort... especially when it's an early morning.

let me explain.

6:30am-- the alarm goes off. "time to shower, cathy," it calls. whack! ...no response. i attempt to evade reality as i shut my eyes and try to return to the dream i had been rudely interrupted from. my alarm beckons multiple times over the next hour, before i finally succumb to dragging myself out of bed. (had i not skipped showering yesterday, i would've let this continue for another 10 minutes and skipped today.) as i'm standing in the shower, a stream of reprobative thoughts flow through my mind as i mentally run through my wednesday schedule, which consists of a 12 hour work day and 3 meetings immediately after.

after coming out of the shower, i wrapped myself in my oversize white supmia bath towel, and proceeded to delay reality for another 5 minutes as i throw myself back in bed. "i don't want to go to work today," "why me," "i wished i could take today off," i repeated in my head. (not a morning person.) finally, as my digital clock changed to 7:39am, i sprung out of bed, threw my clothes on, and ran out of my apartment. for, if i wanted that grande SF hazelnut soy latte from starbucks, 7:40am was the latest i could leave and still be on time for work. last week, in my early morning irrationality, i had convinced myself that i didn't need coffee. that was a lesson learned and a brutal mistake never to be repeated again.

it wasn't until that i shoved my key into the ignition that i stopped myself for 0.59 seconds. purpose, i reminded myself of the commitment i made at the beginning of the year to live each day with purpose. at that moment, all my grumbling thoughts were silenced. grace. compassion. joy. humbled again.

"then the Lord said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. the people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. in this way i will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. “in the evening you will know that it was the Lord who brought you out of Egypt, and in the morning you will see the glory of the Lord, because he has heard your grumbling against him. who are we, that you should grumble against us?” Moses also said, “you will know that it was the Lord when he gives you meat to eat in the evening and all the bread you want in the morning, because he has heard your grumbling against him. who are we? you are not grumbling against us, but against the Lord.” - Exo. 16:4-8

good morning, wednesday.