"the beauty of music...

...as the ability to speak where words fail."

so true. ever since accepting my admissions into grad school, i've been recently wondering how music will ever play a part in my future. whenever anyone asks if i could be doing anything, what it would be, it's usually one of the following: composing for and playing in the hollywood symphony, teaching piano or violin, or coaching for michigan athletics. 

considering the fact that i'm not really all that athletic at least enough to pass NCAA's standards for coaching a D1 team, i suppose the last one is out of the question. but given my passions for music, how does that ever relate back to healthcare? and if  it doesn't, am i making the wrong moves in going to grad school? i don't know.. but i do know that God is the one who's opening doors and so i'm just taking leaps of faith forward. no revolutionary revelations here for now. 

anyway, i came here to share with you about this interesting video that i recently came across. no new ideas, but definitely some thoughts to mull over. 

"music compels us to remember our shared common humanity... the deeply communal, connected consciousness, the empathic consciousness that is hard wired into our brain's right hemisphere. for those living in the most dehumanizing conditions of mental illness within homelessness and incarceration, the beauty of music allows them to transcend the world around them. to remember that they still have the capacity to experience something beautiful, and that humanity has not forgotten them. and the spark of that beauty and humanity transforms into hope. we know whether we choose the path of music or medicine, that's the very first thing we must instill within our communities if we want to inspire healing from within." 

whoa. that's inspirational. 

"to send light into the darkness of men's hearts such is the duty of artists." - Robert Gupta

let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. 

march madness

march was hiatus month, and now it's april. it was not an intentional hiatus, though i do think it was much needed. amongst an extraordinarily busy month, being sick the entire month leaving little energy to think, and decisions to make flying left and right, i found myself needing silence and personal space with God when i did have availability for me time. sometimes it's better to just keep my thoughts to myself and a select few who are closest to me when i'm processing through things, i suppose. 

this week, a big decision is finally wrapping up and coming to an end. it's been one big crazy and amazing God Journey. perhaps there will be an update soon about it, but otherwise... just ask me and we can meet up sometime... personally, i think sharing it in person is much more powerful.

today was the first day in a long time i'm experiencing: silence. stillness. it's weird. i don't think i like it... or at least, i'm not used to it. like, i kind of want to cry for some odd unknown reason. but i don't think it's sadness? maybe the emotions are finally hitting me from how overwhelmed i've been by God's love?

currently feeling: withdrawal. from the busy month of preparations for easter and tumultuous decisions, i suppose. also, uncertainty. about the future. i'm. really. scared. but at the same time, i look back at these last three months and know that God has been so close to me-- he's been so incredibly faithful and blessed me unconditionally and abundantly. this much i know is true.

though the main theme of 2013 thus far has been a ginormous lesson in surrender and commitment, i still feel as though there's still so much to learn in these two areas. i still don't understand what it takes to surrender literally everything-- as faithful as God has been these last three months, it's still hard to trust God in knowing that his plans for my future are so much better than mine. and i still fear commitment... but as i have committed indefinitely to what God is doing in Ann Arbor at the beginning of this year, the decision is made-- and this is where it gets scary. to "have the courage to fail big, and stick around." ........okay, yes. got it.

"Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place. The Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast desert. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything." (Deut. 1:29-31, 2:7)

this is our God, and i must continue to depend on Him and trust Him in everything. 
well, that's all for now. stay tuned for another update!


----
oh, and what a privilege it has been that as i've been relearning this lesson to actually be able to share with others that God has been "By My Side" in this way on Sunday: 

snow days

is it REALLY already the second to last day of february!? man, how this month has flown! well, i was in asia for part of the month, and then took about a week recalibrating to life back in the States, and now i'm back and well again. 

anyway, we had our first big snow of this winter last night in Ann Arbor. it wasn't THAT BAD. but as usual, since life in AA is pretty unexciting being in semi-surburbia and an insulated and safe college town, we always have to make a big deal out of anything we can. i.e. the big chill in 2010. or the snowpocalypse that never really happened in 2011. so here we have everyone and their moms complaining about the snow, and driving on neutral at < 15 mph. but i digress... i didn't come here this morning to complain about complainers, so onto the better story.

cleaning the snow off my car on my way into work this morning, i was reminded of sweet memories from my childhood. whenever it used to snow, my dad would always wake up about an hour earlier than normal to check the road conditions and school closings for us. it was like having your own weatherman at home. (hence, probably the reason why i was never conditioned to check the weather before leaving the house, and now the cause of my frequently poor mismatched choices of outerwear nowadays.) 

then, he'd always go outside and clean all the snow off my mom's car, heat it up for her, and fill a mug of piping hot mocha or tea and leave it for her in her car's cup holder-- all this just so she could drive me to school. then, he'd come back inside, button her up in her coat, and send us off with a peck on the cheek. i used to think it was the most precious thing ever....... well actually, i still do. and when i got my license and my own car later on, he'd do the same for me. it's these small gestures of servanthood and love that bless me the most-- not words or gifts, even though i like those too-- but whether the act of service was directed towards me or someone else, it doesn't really matter. while i'd love to be the receiver, merely witnessing these jesus-like hearts to serve others are always of great encouragement to me too.

so here i was in the snow cleaning off my car this morning, partially wishing that i was still a child or at least living at home so i could reap the benefits of having someone preheat and clean my car off... but then upon finding a mug of cold soymilk in my hand, wet socks, and half covered in snow, i was yet again reminded that i'm now an adult. guess we all have to grow up at some point, and without complaint. :)

---------------
oh, and on another note: this song came on on my drive into work this morning, and i wanted to share the lyrics with you, which say "i will love you for you / not for what you have done / or what you will become" .....yet another great reminder to start off the day. 

it's february!

how can you not like february?!

February is one of my favorite months for several reasons: 

• I love how openly everyone expresses their love for others during this month... it makes me so happy! (wished it'd be year-round, but I guess that's only in an ideal world)
• It's also the shortest month (sadly for the the above reason, but happily for work reasons)
• It's one month of the year where you can go crazy (well not really but kind of) with eating out, buying (and eating) chocolates, buying random feel-good greeting cards, buying flowers... for others (or for just yourself, and be able to justify it). 
• It's also the month Chinese New Year usually falls in, meaning lots of delicious Chinese foods to be eaten as well. 
• Fat Tuesday and paczki's usually occurs in this month too.
• Okay and let me just say it: "relationships" is the talk of the town, and it's always fun to talk about that.

WELL, it's finally here! HELLO FEBRUARY.

I'm REALLY excited, since this will be the first time that I'll be in Asia to celebrate Chinese New Year... and to see my 94 year old grandma! (well not first time seeing my grandma) ....in mid to high-70 degree weather! However, I've been feeling quite off about this whole trip-- I'm actually REALLY bummed (possibly more bummed than excited) that I'm going to miss: valentine's day, all the talk of the town surrounding the topic of "relationships", and being around the week of valentine's day to hang out with my close friends and deliver the goodies that I make up each year. not to mention also: the start of Lent, which also means Fat Tuesday, which also means paczki's.......... 

SIGH. there's never a good time to take a vacation. Nor is there a good time to go see grandma. But i'm afraid that grandma takes priority over all my selfish wants and preferences this year. There's not many more days left to spend with her. 

So, Taiwan, here I come! I'll see you all soon. :) 

decay

"Earth knows no desolation. She smells regeneration in the moist breath of decay."
- George Meredith, Ode to the Spirit of Earth in Autumn. -

Decay. 1: to decline from a sound or prosperous condition. 2: to decrease gradually in size, quantity, activity, or force. 3: to fall into ruin. 4: to decline in health, strength, or vigor. 

It's mere proof that we are made to live, though everything naturally seems to point toward eventual death. Plants wither, humans age, food rots. To each, his own season. For companies and organizations to get big, they have to get small first. For my faith to be strengthened, I must first realize my own weakness. 

However, it's the greater perspective that matters-- that from death, stems new life in the pile of rubbish above. Similarly, it's only when I've died to my sin, that I am eternally alive in Christ. 

Death has no hold on me / whom the son has freed, is free indeed...

stick around

So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling. 
 - Elizabethtown

i'm real excited for this year's fast. have some big decisions to pray about. 

Lord, speak to me.

death has lost its sting

Saturday afternoon, while ordering my burrito bowl at Chipotle, I received a phone call from a dear friend of mine, informing me that her former roommate, who also happened to be one of my Pharm D. interns last semester, lost her parents on Friday evening. 

Needless to say, I quickly lost my appetite as I hurried on my way to my meeting, Chipotle in tote, trying to process through the news I had just received. I'm thankful that I was with the right friend at the time-- she was very gracious, and her presence helped to calm me down in the moment. Thinking about the precipitation of events still makes my stomach churn, even as I write this. 

"Her parents died in a car accident on a medical missions trip to Haiti." I replayed the sentence that my friend told me over and over again as I walked to the location where my meeting was. Each time, it felt as though someone were socking me in the gut. Every word in that sentence did not feel like it belonged there. BOTH her parents? Car accident? Medical Missions? Haiti? The truth is, I only really hear about people dying in the books and videos. That's Jim Elliot's story, not her parents' story!! (see other news releases here and here.)

This one hit just a tad too close to home. Prior to going to Indonesia in 2011, I'd been warned about dying on the missions trip by my half-joking pastor. I knew it was a risk, but this news made it real. My intern L and I had just been dreaming about moving together overseas someday to start our own medical clinic in December, only 2 weeks before her parents left. Excited, she shared with me about her parents' upcoming trip to Haiti, asked that I pray with her for her parents, and invited me on a trip the next time they go. I was praying about going in summer 2013 with her and her parents.

...There's no next time. It could've been me. God, what are you trying to teach me? 

I frequently wonder why God took my mother away from me when I was 13 years old. Many say that death of a loved one will always be unexplainable, but I didn't believe them. I wouldn't settle for that answer, because God has a purpose in all things.

And so, you'd think that would send me into a quest to dive into theology and apologetics to understand why God allows human suffering and death, but it really didn't. What it did, however, was challenge me to face death head on, to overcome the fear of death, and to realize that death is part of God's plan. 

The last four weeks have been odd, with several encounters with the death of a parent of friends-- a friend lost her father, another his mother, my direct supervisor lost her mother this past Monday, and most recently, L's parents. Each time I hear of the news, it catapults me back to July 13, 2001-- the morning I lost my mother. I dig back to the memories of years of grievance and self-discovery following that, but there are never the "right enough" words that I can find to bring enough comfort to my friends. Again and again, I keep thinking about the purpose of this personal experience in my life. Is it solely to enable me to minister to my friends in times of grief, or could there possibly be more that God is preparing me for? 

I've always had a heart for medical missions-- and dream to be sent out someday in hopes of starting a clinic or hospital in a third-world country overseas. I know it is a big dream and sounds lofty to even myself, but for the present, I just want to be 100% faithful with whatever God's called me to do. 

While I don't know if that dream will ever be part of God's plan for me, I do know one thing: He's molding me to live boldly for the sake of the Gospel, and to be ready to die. I can confidently say that I want to die serving the Lord, and it is not to glorify myself, but because I know that serving the Lord is worth my whole life. Whether that serving will be just the local church in Ann Arbor, or being sent overseas for missions, it doesn't matter. I just don't want to be caught at the moment of my death serving myself or any other temporary, worldly purpose. 

Lord, I just want to waste my whole life for Your Glory. 

L, Mr. and Mrs. C, your family will be in my prayers this week. Thank you for faithfully serving our Lord, and inspiring me to live more boldly for Christ. You will be forever remembered. 

"great faith."

faith. you know, nothing ever fails to have me thinking in circles as much as this word does. it's the theme of my life story. the theme of my year in 2012. and most likely, the theme of my year in 2013. yesterday's BRP-- matthew 8, was filled with teachings on faith. i feel like learning about this will never end in my life... and it might be true.

as i was reflecting upon the prayers that were answered and goals i met in 2012, i couldn't help but realize that none of it happened because of what i did. again, as usual, the goals (i dislike use of the word, "resolutions"... you can read more about that here) i set for myself at the beginning of 2012, i forgot by the month of march. but yet once again, another year has passed, and somehow amazingly God continues to do crazy things in my life and leads me to meet so many of those goals that i set for myself. 

so, i guess it really goes to show that it's not about me trying to become the better person on my own, but rather, my compassionate Father molding me into the person he wants me to become. as i'm reading through my 2012 journal entries, it sounded like personal healing was something i really wanted to experience from Him... which he definitely brought me through and out of in the past year! 

which leads me to sum up my 2012 in one theme: "God is faithful, even when I'm faithless." 

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i was talking to a friend quite a few years younger than me a few weeks ago, helping her through some of her current struggles. (ironically, she counseled me instead.) as i was sharing parts of my life with her, one statement she made particularly stuck with me.

"God must have great faith in you. It makes me wonder what he wants to do with you in the future."

that's a real interesting way to put it, M. i never really thought about it that way. i guess she is kind of right. if God didn't, he wouldn't bother, and would've given up on me way long ago. it still baffles me to this day when i stare at my resume and read through my experiences, and wonder why God gave me the privilege to be part of the things i've done. i can testify it wasn't because He thought i was smart enough, nor was it because i was a sociable or likable person... or any other qualifications, for that matter.

in fact, i'm still confused right now why he gave me the opportunities to experience a glimpse of such worldly riches, yet to show me that wasn't where true joy comes from. i'm still confused why he gave me the strength to say no to those strong temptations and choose the path that led away from secular wealth. "Not many rich people, no matter how good their heart is, can walk away from it once they experience it," M points out to me. 

that's also a good point, M. the truth is: my heart isn't that good. it's still filled with sin that i have to repent of every single day. so why, then, did He choose me? why me, God? 

He must have great faith in me. gives a new meaning to "God is faithful," doesn't it? we can rephrase that by redefining "faithful" to be: "He is full of faith in me." i wonder what big things He's leading me towards in the future, and in 2013. i can only pray that the wretchedness of my heart won't mess it up, and ask Him to give me more faith and boldness to say yes when he leads me to them. until then, i'll just continue to testify of His unceasing goodness and unfailing love in my life... and learn how to surrender everything, for the sake of His glory.

but most importantly: God has great faith in you too. He hasn't given up on you yet.

on marriage

upon skimming through my google reader this morning, i came across this post that caught my eye. 

"Gabe and I have dated since I was 18 and yet there are still times when my stomach flutters as if it’s our first date. I’m grateful for those moments because they are the ones that sustain the not-so-fluttery moments."

now i'm really not one for acts of exuberant ardor, but i do hope this to be true of my future marriage too. things will never be perfect, but more the reason to soak in the good moments and be thankful for them. 

i offered to watch the delightful, fawn-worthy children of a married couple at my church tonight, so they can get a date night out without the kids. though my efforts are minimal, it is my prayer that they'll be able to have some time to themselves to experience "fluttery moments" and continue to build a strong, christ-centered marriage.

"And I guess that too is part of love – when the joy of someone else becomes more valuable than your own."    

So true. 

weirdos and love and such.

:)