boot camp and wounds

heh. so the lessons are still coming in from this stupid broken toe of mine, and i'm learning more than ever on what it means to be "wounded". 

due to my impatient tendencies to want to get over things quickly and my own expectations that i place on myself to move on quickly, it's been hard for me to address my woundedness in the past. rather than deal with them, i push them aside and consider them "addressed" because they are not "currently" affecting me. similarly, when i talk to wounded people, it's hard to be patient because i expect them to just get over it and move on. 

this week, i learned that this is rarely the case. Lord, please forgive me for my attitude in this area. naturally, i was at boot camp when this happened. (remember where i was when i learned the lessons the first time?) boot camp is the first fitness class that has completely humbled me to a useless rock because of my inability to prove my own physical abilities. all it has done was make me feel like a big fluffy blob that cannot do anything except jiggle like jello in all my fat areas. this week, i was muttering profane curses at my instructor with the little breath i had left, wishing she would shut up and stop inflicting pain upon me, hoping class would end soon, and even calculating how much money i'd lose if i never came to the remaining classes i had paid for. no one wants to look or feel like a big fluffy blob. 

in the midst of my fluffiness, all i could focus on was my wounded futile toe. all my attention quickly sought to blame the fact that one of my toes was causing my muscles to atrophy and hence, the fluffiness. no longer did i care that i wasn't able to keep up with the rest of the class anymore, to do full body pushups with perfect form (90 degree elbows, chest grazing the grass, flat back...), or even how much more stupid that i looked than the chick next to me-- i became very self-focused. 

and that's when i realized-- when we are wounded, we are so hurt that we can't see beyond our own injuries... and this is why we need to help and care for the wounded so they can be healed and start to see the world beyond their self-focused lens, so they can go to the hurting, and that God can be glorified all the more. (1) it's about how we can better mobilize the gospel message to bring glory to God. 

in addition to being self-focused, i also became very frustrated with myself. i've already been injured for 6+ weeks now, and it should already be healed. why is it still bothering and hurting me? why couldn't i be back in commission? but... (2) healing from woundedness takes time. we can put in all the work we want to rehab it, but it will still take time. it won't be perfectly normal again the next day, and if we try to run full speed ahead while we're still recovering, we risk the chance of getting even more injured and prolonging the length of our recovery. 

lastly, an injury is an injury. sure, a broken foot might seem more serious than a broken toe. it's easy to judge someone who is more wounded than i am by saying, "wow, he's really got some big issues going on. at least i only have a broken toe." hurt = hurt. a broken toe is as broken as a broken foot, because at the end of the day, you can't walk or run. (3) no judgement in woundedness. we have nothing to prove in our woundedness. 

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"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
~Psalm 34:18

"It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."
~Mark 2:7