dear mom

today i'd like to let you know that this year i decided to run my first marathon ever, because it is on your birthday. it was really the only reason how i finally mustered up the courage and dedication to sign up, because i really wanted to run it in memory and honor of you. this summer will mark 11 years since i last heard your voice, but let me tell you, God's been very purposefully working through a lot in my life. he's given me a big big heart to love other patients like you. there hasn't been a moment where i stopped missing you, and many days i wonder what it'd be like had you been around to go shopping with me, rebuke my immature actions and thoughts, hear about my friends, teach me how not to be awkward around boys, give me advice about boyfriends and relationships, and eat chocolate cake with me after school. (there were many more, but i can't fit them all here.)

but don't feel bad about leaving-- you didn't have a choice. it was God's plan all along for you to leave us to be with Him. things would've been too perfect otherwise-- and we would've thought we were our own gods. He wanted us to learn to be stronger, and depend more on Him than we did on you. i think Dad struggled a lot at first... we ate a lot of take-out the first few years because he wasn't in the mood to cook your favorite dinners since you weren't around. but he's doing much better nowadays. he's much closer to God now than he used to be. dad and i also learned to love one another deeply and to be there for each other. apparently, he tells me i look a lot like you.

jason and amadeus are also doing fine. they're both very smart children and are doing well in school. i know you greatly valued education and it probably kills you to not be able to directly invest in us in this way... but honestly, you being gone has actually taught us far more than you ever would have. amadeus asked about you a few months ago. he wanted to know what you were like... but it was hard for me to tell him. first, i couldn't remember too well myself, but second, it made me too sad to think about it. but at least they still remember you. i guess we all just wished you could've stuck around a little longer.

more than anything, i just hope your body doesn't hurt anymore from all the chemo, radiation, and surgeries you went through. i hope you have hair again, and i hope you are always joyful now that you're eternally in His presence. we are also joyful, and knowing that you are too gives us peace that our Father loves us all too much. see you soon, mommy. until then, every day i'm training, i remember that you and God will always be my biggest fans who demonstrated what true love is to me.

your daughter,

c