perhaps my struggle right now is not struggling. does that make any sense at all? it's like... been too long since i've gone this long of a stretch without any major issues streaming through my life, and i don't know what to do with myself. i don't remember or know how to seek God without the life-shattering drama episodes. perhaps i'm fearful that without the challenges to keep me in despair for God's grace and power, that i'm going to one day find myself outside eternally cast outside of his presence because i haven't been desperate enough for him.
i'm not saying that my life is by any means even close to perfect, but that these daily rumblings of struggles just don't phase me as much as they used to. praise God i've come to: 1) realize that i'm not going to die, 2) learn to deal better and 3) not complain half as much as i used to. usually though, life doesn't go the way i want it to, i think because i need the constant reminder that i didn't even deserve it in the first place.
but you know, maybe as i enter this new season, that's exactly what God is trying to teach me: following Jesus isn't a self-centered faith where i pray hard only when i really need something desperately from him. there's more to this personal relationship with Him than just praying constantly for myself and how i need him. of course i still need to pray for myself in order to surrender these areas of worry to him, but there's much more to this life than how God can fill my needs. (which i have no doubt he can and will, but of course my flesh will still worry.) i still need him just as much, but in a different way as new sins surface. i need to redirect this me-focused relationship with Christ back to Him-focused. i think that's exactly what i need in this new season: learn how to sit at at the foot of the cross, reflect on who He is, respond in worship, and go deeper.
"the heavens are yours, and yours also the earth; you founded the world and all that is in it." psalm 89:11
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