tramadol

"i can't, i can't, i can't..." 

that my favorite phrase back in the days of being a gymnast. it was a constant struggle between my coach and i-- him always telling me "i can", and me refuting with "i can't". "you can... do a back handspring on the beam." "you can... master the Gienger." i know he hated me for it, because there were definitely times when he threatened to kick me off the team because of the number times i said it... not because i actually can't, because even when knew i could and had done it before... i just wouldn't let myself believe that i could the next day when i came into practice. but perhaps it wasn't so much a struggle between the two of us, as much as a struggle between me and my mental fear of failure. 

actually, it was exactly that: fear of failure... and fear of inadequacy. it's all mental.

and now, more than 5 years later since i've trained with him, i still have the same exact fears of failure and inadequacy. not so much with physically accomplishing things, but with overcoming things in life. seems like the 12+ years of gymnastics along with the 3 years of coaching experience telling other girls "they can" haven't taught me much about overcoming my own fears though, huh? 

as i was driving yesterday, reflecting on a conversation i had over the weekend with a friend from my b-school days, i realized that over the years of accumulated trials, i've trained myself with the ability of being non-confrontational with myself... to numb my feelings and try to disregard & move past them. not that i haven't learned or gotten better at being honest with myself in the last few years, but the temptations still often arise subconsciously: instead of consciously fighting to overcome the fear behind the "can't", it's easier to just ignore the fact the fear and the pain exists without thinking. i've developed my own Tramadol-- a drug that medicates pain by changing the way the body senses pain. my Tramadol comes in the form of external put-togetherness, success, merit, and achievement, just exactly how the business school taught and trained us. over the years, i've become addicted to my own Tramadol as my remedy rather than target the source of pain. 

i was never into pink floyd, but i thought that the lyrics to one of their songs are fittingly appropriate: "i have become comfortably numb." 

but this weekend, chatting over dinner with one of my former b-school professors / mentors, she reminded me that it's all relative, and we need to be wary of our own perspectives in life. "we have nothing to complain about," she said after she shared about some pretty shocking personal struggles and ailments with her family and health, "...but you can't also just numb the issues. learn to face them, deal with them, then tell yourself that you can. if you don't try, then you're guaranteed to fail."

there is no can't, won't, or impossible. - Adidas
...because with God, all things are possible (Mt. 26)